The
Renaissance Woman’s Guide to Flirting
I recently received this question from a client:
Now where on
earth do I meet men in London and how do I chat them up?! My friend Helen says
the women should never approach, always the other way around. What do you
think?
Girl, this is 2013! Waiting for a guy to approach
you might leave you 40 and single with a whole lot of cats (not that there’s
anything wrong with that).
This doesn’t mean that there aren’t times you should
wait- there are. Ultimately, whether you wait or approach depends entirely on
the situation.
Firstly, it depends on the numbers. If you’re in a
place that’s 3:1 men to women, it’s usually inevitable that a guy will approach
you. Because men thrive under competition, they’re going to unconsciously
engage in a competition with one another to see who can get the hot girl at the
bar.
But if things are the opposite way around, get out
them fighting gloves, because you got competition. In a place like New York for
example, which is almost 3:1 single women to single men, waiting is a recipe
for disaster. There simply aren’t that many good guys to go around, so your
odds of finding someone organically are less so than in a place like Silicon
Valley, which is 3:1 men to women. It’s economics- and as much as math and I
have a torrid relationship, not noticing the supply and demand of a situation
is missing out on a major strategic clue. And don’t be dissuaded if there are a
lot of pretty girls around. It honestly doesn’t matter how many pretty girls
are in the same place as you- if you approach him, you will engage him in
conversation, and guess what, he’s asking you out at the end of the night, not
the girl who might have longer legs than you because he never spoke to her.
In addition, if you constantly have the view point
that you should be approached, you’re missing out on tons of opportunities to
engage with the opposite sex where it might be easier for you to break the ice
than him. Remember, you don’t have to meet a guy in a bar. My friend Jody, who
now, not surprisingly, owns a fab lipgloss line (Cosmoholic.com), once told me,
“Always look good because you never know who you’re going to meet.” Look for
opportunity everywhere. The metro, the grocery store (there are so many hot
guys in Whole Foods it’s like a jungle gym), the post office, whatever! And in
these situations it is particularly important that you approach because guys
usually aren’t thinking about hitting on girls when they’re shopping for milk,
and because time, in these situations, is usually of the essence, particularly
in a place like the subway. It’s now or never.
A great way to start a conversation with someone is
to find something in common- for example, you notice the guy wearing a logo of
your college on his shirt, or he’s studying an LSAT book and you just took the
LSAT.
The damsel in distress routine is also a great one.
It lets men feel masculine, and men love that.
Grocery Store: Oh my gosh, would you mind getting
that cereal for me up there? I’m just too short to reach.
Gym: Would you mind spotting me while I bench press?
I’m a little shaky on it and could really use some help.
Works every time. ;)
Why It’s Good
to Approach Sometimes
1.
It saves time
You could stand there all
night eyeing a guy, waiting for him to come talk to you, gossiping with your
girlfriends about how cute he is and what you’re going to name your kids and
wouldn’t he look fab in a tux? But then he never does. And you never see him
again. Way to build yourself up for absolutely nothing.
Or maybe, after an hour of
futzing around, he does finally
approach you. I remember one time I sent seductive looks to a guy in a bar in
Amsterdam for about an hour until he finally came up to me. And then he smiled.
And it was terrifying- he had a gap the size of a European car between his two
front teeth. Not to mention that his English was limited to the word sexy.
The guy also might only be stopping
in for a bit because he has work the next day, and he isn’t actively thinking
about hitting on girls (sports bars). Then you’re going to have to go get him.
2.
The ones who approach might not be the ones you want
Remember, the guy who does
approach you with suave charm and confidence knows he’s good at picking up
girls. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t do it.
And the more charming and funny and wow he seems like a nice guy he is?
Watch out. You’re just one in a list of many. #ChristianBale.
The truly nice guys are
usually a little bit shy. They’re not the ones hitting on every girl with long
legs and shiny hair who walks by. They’re usually just the ones observing- and
possibly, trying to muster up the courage to go talk to you, but then talk
themselves into circles and decide against it because they are scared to, and
fearful of rejection. That s*** hurts. As Richard Taflinger says in his article about the dating
scene in bars,”
“One thing that was apparent to
me was how much the men worried about how to approach a woman they found
attractive. With no formula, ritual or protocol as a guide, the men often
expressed their fear of rejection. Many of the sessions between men at the bar
were devoted to whether, and how, to initiate contact. The men would dissect
one of their member's approach and everything he might say if his approach was
accepted. This was to lessen, not so much the possibility of rejection, but the
blow to the man's ego and self-esteem such a rejection would cause. They seemed
to assume that any approach would be rejected.
The second point I found
interesting: the more physically attractive the men thought a woman was, the
less willing they were to approach her.
It was clear that these men
feared the rejection they thought would be automatic in approaching an
especially attractive woman.”
So your looks may be drawing him in in one aspect, but they're also terrifying him in another.
How to Get Him to Approach You
Nope, it’s not the bend
and snap. (Although that is classic) It’s all about the look- or as Helen
Fisher, love anthropologist extraordinaire calls it, the copulatory gaze. Yes,
that look. The smoldering, come hither, only in the movies look that lingers
for just a touch longer than if it had happened accidentally.
Making and holding eye
contact with Mr. Dreamy is crucial. Why?
A) It gives him the green
light. Through eye contact, you’ve told him that he has the go ahead to
approach you and that you welcome it- you’re not going to blow him off. And in
that extra second that you lock eyes and connect across the bar or a crowded
room, he knows you’ve seen him. Want to sauce it up a little bit? Throw in a
hint of a smile. It’s the hashtag on your status.
B) It’s a matter of science.
Science actually calls
it the “copulatory gaze,” noting that when eye contact is held for two or three
seconds the pupils may dilate, which unconsciously demonstrates interest. Helen
Fisher notes that it’s extremely common among primates, particularly baboons,”
explains Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropology professor at Rutgers University,
US. “A female baboon will repeat this pattern over and over again to prompt an
attractive male to approach her eventually.”
She says that men are wired to respond to this move, since interpreting signs of sexual attraction was key to reproduction and survival thousands of years ago." Because you’re looking at him and then averting your gaze, this “hard to get” eye contact subconsciously prompts him to want to pursue you." Eye contact also triggers sexual desire for both of you.
In addition, men are three times more likely to
approach a girl they think is pretty who has made eye contact with them, versus
a girl they see whom they just think is pretty.
C) Give him the chance to approach you alone
Ok, so you’ve made eye contact, established a
connection, but then you turn back to your group of friends and leave him
wondering how he is going to penetrate (no pun intended) your circle of friends
without feeling like a tool or having to put on a show for everyone.
Let him see you excuse yourself and walk up to a
section of the bar with one spot open next to you. If he’s interested, he’ll
walk up right next to you. The thing
is, you have to open the door for him sometimes in order for him to walk
through it. This isn’t survivor.
Guess where else it is A-ok to approach him? Online. A lot of women I speak to have horrible experiences with online dating because they wait for the men to message them. Well, you know what, guys are busy too! Does it really matter who is the first one to break the ice? No. What matters is that you connect. If a guy is so into playing games he is turned off by a girl who messages him, guess what? ! You don't want him anyway.
Guess where else it is A-ok to approach him? Online. A lot of women I speak to have horrible experiences with online dating because they wait for the men to message them. Well, you know what, guys are busy too! Does it really matter who is the first one to break the ice? No. What matters is that you connect. If a guy is so into playing games he is turned off by a girl who messages him, guess what? ! You don't want him anyway.
