The Renaissance Woman’s Guide to Flirting

I recently received this question from a client:

Now where on earth do I meet men in London and how do I chat them up?! My friend Helen says the women should never approach, always the other way around. What do you think?

Girl, this is 2013! Waiting for a guy to approach you might leave you 40 and single with a whole lot of cats (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t times you should wait- there are. Ultimately, whether you wait or approach depends entirely on the situation.

Firstly, it depends on the numbers. If you’re in a place that’s 3:1 men to women, it’s usually inevitable that a guy will approach you. Because men thrive under competition, they’re going to unconsciously engage in a competition with one another to see who can get the hot girl at the bar.

But if things are the opposite way around, get out them fighting gloves, because you got competition. In a place like New York for example, which is almost 3:1 single women to single men, waiting is a recipe for disaster. There simply aren’t that many good guys to go around, so your odds of finding someone organically are less so than in a place like Silicon Valley, which is 3:1 men to women. It’s economics- and as much as math and I have a torrid relationship, not noticing the supply and demand of a situation is missing out on a major strategic clue. And don’t be dissuaded if there are a lot of pretty girls around. It honestly doesn’t matter how many pretty girls are in the same place as you- if you approach him, you will engage him in conversation, and guess what, he’s asking you out at the end of the night, not the girl who might have longer legs than you because he never spoke to her.

In addition, if you constantly have the view point that you should be approached, you’re missing out on tons of opportunities to engage with the opposite sex where it might be easier for you to break the ice than him. Remember, you don’t have to meet a guy in a bar. My friend Jody, who now, not surprisingly, owns a fab lipgloss line (Cosmoholic.com), once told me, “Always look good because you never know who you’re going to meet.” Look for opportunity everywhere. The metro, the grocery store (there are so many hot guys in Whole Foods it’s like a jungle gym), the post office, whatever! And in these situations it is particularly important that you approach because guys usually aren’t thinking about hitting on girls when they’re shopping for milk, and because time, in these situations, is usually of the essence, particularly in a place like the subway. It’s now or never.

A great way to start a conversation with someone is to find something in common- for example, you notice the guy wearing a logo of your college on his shirt, or he’s studying an LSAT book and you just took the LSAT. 

The damsel in distress routine is also a great one. It lets men feel masculine, and men love that.

Grocery Store: Oh my gosh, would you mind getting that cereal for me up there? I’m just too short to reach.

Gym: Would you mind spotting me while I bench press? I’m a little shaky on it and could really use some help.

Works every time. ;)

Why It’s Good to Approach Sometimes

1.   It saves time

You could stand there all night eyeing a guy, waiting for him to come talk to you, gossiping with your girlfriends about how cute he is and what you’re going to name your kids and wouldn’t he look fab in a tux? But then he never does. And you never see him again. Way to build yourself up for absolutely nothing.

Or maybe, after an hour of futzing around, he does finally approach you. I remember one time I sent seductive looks to a guy in a bar in Amsterdam for about an hour until he finally came up to me. And then he smiled. And it was terrifying- he had a gap the size of a European car between his two front teeth. Not to mention that his English was limited to the word sexy.

The guy also might only be stopping in for a bit because he has work the next day, and he isn’t actively thinking about hitting on girls (sports bars). Then you’re going to have to go get him.

2.   The ones who approach might not be the ones you want

Remember, the guy who does approach you with suave charm and confidence knows he’s good at picking up girls. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t do it.  And the more charming and funny and wow he seems like a nice guy he is? Watch out. You’re just one in a list of many. #ChristianBale.

The truly nice guys are usually a little bit shy. They’re not the ones hitting on every girl with long legs and shiny hair who walks by. They’re usually just the ones observing- and possibly, trying to muster up the courage to go talk to you, but then talk themselves into circles and decide against it because they are scared to, and fearful of rejection. That s*** hurts.  As Richard Taflinger says in his article about the dating scene in bars,”

“One thing that was apparent to me was how much the men worried about how to approach a woman they found attractive. With no formula, ritual or protocol as a guide, the men often expressed their fear of rejection. Many of the sessions between men at the bar were devoted to whether, and how, to initiate contact. The men would dissect one of their member's approach and everything he might say if his approach was accepted. This was to lessen, not so much the possibility of rejection, but the blow to the man's ego and self-esteem such a rejection would cause. They seemed to assume that any approach would be rejected.

The second point I found interesting: the more physically attractive the men thought a woman was, the less willing they were to approach her. 

It was clear that these men feared the rejection they thought would be automatic in approaching an especially attractive woman.”

So your looks may be drawing him in in one aspect, but they're also terrifying him in another. 

How to Get Him to Approach You

Nope, it’s not the bend and snap. (Although that is classic) It’s all about the look- or as Helen Fisher, love anthropologist extraordinaire calls it, the copulatory gaze. Yes, that look. The smoldering, come hither, only in the movies look that lingers for just a touch longer than if it had happened accidentally.

Making and holding eye contact with Mr. Dreamy is crucial. Why?

A) It gives him the green light. Through eye contact, you’ve told him that he has the go ahead to approach you and that you welcome it- you’re not going to blow him off. And in that extra second that you lock eyes and connect across the bar or a crowded room, he knows you’ve seen him. Want to sauce it up a little bit? Throw in a hint of a smile. It’s the hashtag on your status.

B) It’s a matter of science. 

Science actually calls it the “copulatory gaze,” noting that when eye contact is held for two or three seconds the pupils may dilate, which unconsciously demonstrates interest. Helen Fisher notes that it’s extremely common among primates, particularly baboons,” explains Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropology professor at Rutgers University, US. “A female baboon will repeat this pattern over and over again to prompt an attractive male to approach her eventually.”

She says that men are wired to respond to this move, since interpreting signs of sexual attraction was key to reproduction and survival thousands of years ago." Because you’re looking at him and then averting your gaze, this “hard to get” eye contact subconsciously prompts him to want to pursue you." Eye contact also triggers sexual desire for both of you.

In addition, men are three times more likely to approach a girl they think is pretty who has made eye contact with them, versus a girl they see whom they just think is pretty.

C) Give him the chance to approach you alone

Ok, so you’ve made eye contact, established a connection, but then you turn back to your group of friends and leave him wondering how he is going to penetrate (no pun intended) your circle of friends without feeling like a tool or having to put on a show for everyone.

Let him see you excuse yourself and walk up to a section of the bar with one spot open next to you. If he’s interested, he’ll walk up right next to you.  The thing is, you have to open the door for him sometimes in order for him to walk through it. This isn’t survivor.

Guess where else it is A-ok to approach him? Online. A lot of women I speak to have horrible experiences with online dating because they wait for the men to message them. Well, you know what, guys are busy too! Does it really matter who is the first one to break the ice? No. What matters is that you connect. If a guy is so into playing games he is turned off by a girl who messages him, guess what? ! You don't want him anyway.